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Need a Parents POV and HELP?

Author : C-Dub

Submitted : 2018-01-02 20:44:22    Popularity:     

Tags: Parents  POV  

My 17 year old son has been living in his car for the past 6 weeks. on Fathers Day, I got frustrated and lashed out at him verbally because I was tired of his disrespect and attitude. I told him "if it's so bad here, leave"...and he did. Aft

Answers:

if hes going to be 18 soon theres not much you can do unless you want to pay for him to rent a room somewheres, that would be better than being in his car

It's impossible to describe everything in one paragraph, but I have a feeling there's a lot of backstory on this. Where is his dad, and was there trauma related to him? Also, when you say he resists calling you a family, this is understandable if you're living with a boyfriend. I don't say that as a moral thing, but a practical one. There's a lot of difference between a stepdad vs mom's boyfriend. It's great they get along ,but it's also very possible he resents him.

The point of all this is that only you know whether the "black sheep" thing is based on his own actions and behavior, or whether it was a role unofficially assigned to him. The more likely it is to be the latter, the more important it is that you talk to him.

For example, turning 18 has no significance in most cases. The only thing that changes is he can now leave home, but you sort of took care of that one! Otherwise most 18 year olds still live at home and will for several more years while they pursue other goals. While they're at home, they follow parental rules or get kicked out. I was actually grounded home from college at age 21 for sneaking a guy in my bedroom window! Still, they were paying for college and I understood it was their house, their rules.

I really think you need to invite him in for a home cooked meal, and then the 2 of you have an indepth convo. (No boyfriends, no girlfriends. This is between mom and son). Try to find out why he feels like the black sheep. Do NOT argue or defend yourself. It's really important that you listen to him. Then get an idea what types of goals he'd like to pursue. If he resists college, fine, but there are lots of certification programs out there in many different areas. This includes auto mechanics to healthcare to cooking. If there's something he's always been interested in, sit down together and come up with a reasonable plan. Be supportive and find ways you can help (usually paying for the course) but it's equally important he understand that basic rules of respect have to apply, or he's going to have to leave. If you let this go on too long, it will be harder to change, but you need to be firm on it.

Also, it goes without saying, the gf isn't part of this. If he wants to see her, this is fine as long as it's within house rules like curfew. But if he tries to get you to include her as part of the deal, don't even think about this. He needs to grow up and chart his path right now, and if you open your home to her, she will get in his way. It will also be a disaster for other reasons. Right now, she's his "misery partner", and you want him expanding his horizons, not limiting them.

He's 18 or will be next week, and he wants his independence. Even if that's living in his car with the homeless girlfriend.

I think all you can do at this point is to sit him down and tell him you are saddened he feels so alienated at home, but if he wants to go, you'll back him. Also, tell him the door is always open and he can come back and live with you guys if he wants.

i understand why he is doing this, i realize you must be hurt and confused but he feels as if you have replaced him, and love your boyfriend's son more than him, and he doesn't belong with you guys, and you would be happier without him. Give him space, but don't let him forget how much you love and care about him. let him have a little longer on his own and he will probably come back. good luck.



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